Mad Hattery!: The Threat Level Scale

With June’s annual birthday Trooping of the Colors upon us this weekend, we can look forward to lots of British patriotism, soldiers on horseback, and the royal family waving from the balcony of Buckingham Palace. Even better, the female members of the Firm will no doubt be sporting the latest in millinery fashion. From Phillip Treacy masterpieces to umbrella-wide, saucer-shaped chapeaus to glorified fluffy headbands, the royal ladies rarely disappoint when it comes to fancy, wacky headwear.

For those readers who need a little help when it comes to the concept of hattitude — for example, any of our fellow Americans, save those who attend southern churches on Sunday mornings — we’ve put together a handy little guide to the levels of loopiness of the hats and other head accouterments of the British royals. We like to call it the Mad Hattery Threat Level Scale, or MHTLS:

Ahem. Simple enough, yes? A more detailed explanation, along with pictures for visual demontration, after the jump.

We thought that the hat-deprived readers among us might benefit from and enjoy a little less on how to categorize the crazy cloches of the BRF with the aid of a little photographic evidence. Thus, from the least fancy to the most ridiculous, we present the Mad Hattery scale in pictures:

1) THREAT LEVEL GREEN

This is our lowest level of mad hattery. If you are an American reader, and you do own a hat, nine times out of ten, it’s going to be one from this category. Any hats worn for sunshade at the beach or while playing sports go here, along with anything one could wear while roping cattle. Here are some of our favorite kooky royal (and almost-royal) examples:

2) THREAT LEVEL BLUE

Slightly more dressy and slightly more kooky are the hats of the blue category, berets and fedoras. Whether you’re off to your favorite beat cafe to snap along with the crowd, working on your latest artistic masterpiece, or simply trying to look French, the beret’s the hat you’re looking for. (A further American clarification: it’s the Lewinsky hat. End of story.) Those who lived through the swing-music revival of the ’90s are already familiar with the fedora. Mr. Sinatra was a fan, and often they are worn by those trying to look either wealthy or like gangsters. Or by female members and associates of the royal family:

3) THREAT LEVEL ORANGE

These hats are sort of basic in shape and design, but the thing that makes them sort of silly is their exaggerated size. Favorites of royals of all ages, you’ll see hats like these on royals at places as diverse as races at Ascot, Christmas at Sandringham, and the Trooping of the Colors. All in all, they’re not terrible, but they do make you feel a bit like someone’s going to serve you a cup of tea beside a Cheshire cat or give you a pill that makes you smaller and smaller:

4) THREAT LEVEL RED

Now we’re getting loopier! These are hats of the size and dimension seen few places outside royal functions. They’re patterened. They’re embellished. They’re gigantic. Sometimes, they’re furry. They can have brims the size of snow sleds or a close fit reminiscent of Buckingham Palace bearskins. Let’s face it. They’re pretty funny:

5) THREAT LEVEL YELLOW

Now we’re getting into the danger zone, friends. This is the kind of hat that, even after living in Britain, I still admit not quite getting: the fascinator. It’s basically a headband or a clippy thing with some flowers or feathers or twisty stuff stuck to it — but the decorative part often looks as if it’s sprung straight from the poor lady’s skull. As far as I can tell, it’s basically what you wear when you have to go to an event that requires hats but when you don’t actually feel like wearing one. Sometimes it almost looks good — most of the time it just looks strange. Equally odd to lots of us will be its close cousin, the hat made up of feathers sprouting from the back of one’s head. It’s like the fascinator for the senior royal set:

6) THREAT LEVEL PURPLE

These are “hats” so ridiculous, so elaborate, so embellished, so AWESOME, that they cannot be mocked — instead, they can only be admired. They’re the crowns and tiaras that so few of the world’s citizens can ever have the privilege to wear, and these women have them in spades. Best way to get them? Be the Queen of England, one of her daughters, or married to one of her sons or grandsons. The rest of us will just have be satisfied with our prom-queen knock-offs and settle for gazing from afar:

6) THREAT LEVEL PINK

Okay, you guys, this is the big one. Even the Brits, who are unfazed by lots of hats that would make many of us gasp, were taken aback by this one. Worn at the May 2008 Windsor Castle nuptials of Peter Phillips, eldest grandson of the Queen, and Autumn Kelly, this hat nearly stole the controversy spotlight away from Peter and Autumn’s photo deal with Hello! Magazine. (Almost.) I give you: Princess Beatrice’s Phillip Treacy butterfly hat:

There you have it, royal ladies: the gauntlet has been thrown. The challenge has been issued. I think I speak for the world at large when I say that we can’t wait to see you try to come up with something crazier than this. And personally, I hope it happens on Saturday.

Stay tuned: we’ll be doing a Mad Hattery recap after photos crop up from Saturday’s festivities. Check back here for all the millinery craziness dissected!